being uncomfortable

I had a music meeting today. I am not good in meetings. I can never remember anyone's name. Even people that I know really well....I look at them and I blank out on questions that I know. like, "who did you write that with?"  crickets. nothing.oh I am good at laughing  it off...even making it seem cute that I can't remember...but WHY? I have no idea. I am nearly paralyzed by wondering if they are gonna like the songs I guess. It totally sucks. Imagine this. I (and when I say "I" I mean me and my peeps) have worked REALLY hard on this album. I have cried tears and fought for things and felt bad and fought through it. I have put so much love into it. so Im sitting there. WAITING on a RESPONSE. and I do know the response I am looking for. so the expectation is really sky high. but that is just me.  The first verse comes. then the chorus. was that a head bob? tapping of the foot? are you serious?  he is closing his eyes and really getting INTO this! WOW ..... I breathe. relaxing one notch...but sure I can't just let go and relax and listen too. no. that's when they go in for the kill. That is when it will hut the most when you are totally vulnerable. letting the soft underbelly shine for all the world to see. So I keep up my guard. Oh I smile. I LOOK LIKE I am totally cool and like it is no big deal. but underneath my blood is rushing. my pits are sweaty and there is a desperate taste in my mouth. I hate this. I am uncomfortable. Song number two begins. It is one of my favorites. which makes it even scarier. what if he doesn't get it? I mean THIS song is the one I am thinking is gonna be THE ONE that will really set this whole thing off.  he tells me he has always loved my voice.  I exhale.  I get a "man, Killer!" and a for sure head bob. ok, this  is more like it. ok....I think I am gonna  live. uncomfortable.  I hate this feeling.
But this is what I do. I expose my heart and soul through melody and lyrics.  This is not the way I like to do it. sitting in a room. What I love to do is PLAY.  Now THAT I am comfortable with.  I guess because I can get lost in what I am doing...not what someone else is doing  while they are listening.  the bummer is that I will have this uncomfortable feeling again and again.  and again. It wont hurt any less. and it wont be any less uncomfortable. The high wont be longer when the news is good. no the highs are short and sweet. but this is what I do.  I am good at it.  But it is uncomfortable. so uncomfortable. and I will replay the whole thing over and over until I can put into words how the meeting went.  until next time :) amyd