seeds

I was just sitting her sulking thinking about things. I know...highly unattractive...but still....I can't help it. I was thinking about my new pub deal job search. I keep going to meetings. I keep calling. I keep playing the music. I am determined. I am positive I will find the place that is RIGHT for me.  I MUST!! But then, there it is...that little bitty niggly feeling in the back of my  mind (we will call it the devil) that whispers, 'well you prob don't deserve it, you really dont write THAT great, if you wanted it bad enough, you would get it' I hate that voice. He always gets you when you are down. and when you are down he speaks louder... causes doubt in what deep down inside you KNOW you can do....what you KNOW you  love...what you are meant to do.  I hate that voice. He keeps me awake. He distracts me. He preoccupies me. Why? Why do I let it get to me? Why do I listen? How can I even let myself hear it when I have such wonderful things around me? Such beautiful music inside?

 I write songs. All day. everyday in my head. I don't always sit down and take the time to write them down or record them, but I write songs all the time. I couldn't keep them away if I tried. I always thought I was weird and it took me a long time to realize the everybody doesn't do that.  So  why do I let negative thoughts about myself dictate my feelings?  why do I let it make me suffer? UGH. and UGH! 

But  tomorrow is another day. I will take another meeting. I will play my music. I will wait for the responses I always get ("wow, this sounds great. what a great singer, you mean that hasn't been cut yet?..." ) I will brace myself for the "well we aren't really signing anybody right now, but let's hook you up with so and so and let's keep in touch" goodbye. 

I will plant a million seeds if i need to. a million. surely out of a million one will grow and bloom and flower and spread nurturing light and love to all that sees it. right? a MILLION. I will not be defeated. This is who I am. My name is amy and I write songs. and I sing the crap out of them.  a MILLION!!